CHRISTIAN CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Gary W Pfeiffer                        (original thoughts and source material from Peacemaker by Ken Sender)

BACKGROUND: HOW IMPORTANIT IS PEACE OR UNITY- in a marriage, in a family, in the local church, in the workplace…...?

1.     Jesus is of course the ‘Prince of Peace’, and He is our role model or template for godly living.

2.     “Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”  Eph. 4:3

3.     “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Rom. 12:18

4.     Jesus’ prayer of peace & unity among all Christians…. John 17:20-23

There are three dimensions of peace:

1.     Peace with God

2.     Peace with one another

3.     Peace within yourself

Definition of Conflict: a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrated someone’s goals or desires.

Conflict is an opportunity to solve problems in a way that honors God and offers benefits to those involved.

There are normally two responses to conflict:           FIGHT OR FLIGHT

FLIGHT: (escape) generally the focus is on ‘me’. Looking for what is easy, convenient or non-threatening for me.

Escape responses are usually intent on ‘peacemaking’ or making things look good- even when they are not.

FIGHT: (attack) the focus is on the other party, blaming or expecting them to give in and solve the problem.

Attack responses are prone to ‘peace breaking’ . They are more willing to sacrifice peace & unity to get to what they want.

FOUR PRIMARY CAUSES OF CONFLICT:

1.     Misunderstandings resulting from poor communication

2.     Differences in values, goals, priorities, expectations, opinions….

3.     Competition over limited resources

4.     Sinful attitudes or habits- that lead to sinful words or actions

Note: in all our relationships we should seek unity- and not demand uniformity.   Eph. 4:1-3

IDEAL: Conflict should be seen as an opportunity to demonstrate the love and power of God in our lives.

MEDIATION VS. ARBITRATION

Mediator (listen, question, suggest) Mediators should listen carefully and ask clarifying questions of each party. At the conclusion, they may give advice, but they have no authority to force anyone to accept a particular solution.   Matt. 18:16

Arbitrator (listen, question, conclude) An arbitrator is a decision maker. This person should be trusted and accepted upfront by both parties and given the responsibility (after hearing both sides of the issue) to make a binding decision resolving the conflict.    1 Cor. 6:4-6

Accountability: If a person who professes to be a Christian, refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands Church leaders to formally intervene to hold him accountable to Scriptural discipline. This action is a safeguard to local church unity.               Matt. 18:17

PERSONAL REFELCTION QUESTIONS FOR EACH PARTY IN THE DISPUTE:

1.     How can I please and honor God in this situation?

2.     How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contributions to this conflict?

3.     How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict?

COUNSELOR QUESTIONS FOR EACH PARTY IN THE CONFLICT:

1.     Briefly summarize the dispute as you perceive it, and place events in chronological order.

2.     Which response to conflict have you been using so far?  Flight or Fight?

3.     What have you been relying on for guidance in this situation?

a.     Your feelings and personal opinions about what is right? OR

b.     Careful study and application of Biblical truth?

Initial personal Response to any conflict or offence the Lord allows to come your way:

            FORGIVE! (as an act of your will -forgive the offending party)

Forgiveness releases in me the ability to deal Scripturally with the situation. By doing that act: the tendency of reacting to the situation is greatly reduced, giving you time to think/pray about your godly response.

WHEN AN APOLOGY IS IN ORDER: (when this is part of your prayerful response to the conflict)

1.     Most Important: any apology must be sincere

2.     The apology should be as private or public- as the sin was. (did you offend one person, or many?)

3.     Do not use ‘if’ or ‘maybe’ in your apology. Admit specifically what wrong you did

4.     Accept the consequences of your actions (then adjust future behavior)

5.     Finally- look directly at the person(s) and humbly ask, “will you forgive me?”

 

FINAL SELF- EXAM:  After the conflict is over and resolved, if God were to evaluate this conflict- how would you like Him to complete this sentence:

            “I am pleased that you did not…….

            “I am pleased that you…….

“Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” 2 Tim. 2:15

 

FORGIVENESS…. Initial and Releasing

Forgiveness is one of the cornerstone spiritual foundations of Christian living. Over the years, I have coined the phrase, “Forgiveness releases in me the ability to deal scripturally with the situation.” By that I mean any unkind, untrue or abusive remarks or actions toward you; (as quickly as possible), you should choose [as any act of your will] to forgive the offender. Once doing that, you mitigate the effect of carnal reaction.  By that I mean your tendency of reacting is greatly reduced, giving you time to think/pray clearly on how the Lord wants you to respond. By forgiving someone, that does NOT mean you just need to forget or offer no follow through. It may be that the Lord would guide you to take no action- (other than letting love reign and you casting your care unto the Lord); or He might lead you to contact the police or church eldership. The issue is to be at peace in your soul and take Spirit led action.

Scripture: Matthew 18:34-35 this is the story of the servant that was graciously forgiven a large debt he owed but turned around and demanded payment from another servant who owed him a very small debt. Jesus finishes the story by saying to the one who was forgiven (of much) …. But refused to forgive another:

 ^“And his master was angry and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him. So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother his trespasses.”

Forgiveness should be done quickly and with a sincere heart.

What I described above I am calling Initial Forgiveness- to quickly choose to forgive any that have hurt or offended you.

NOW, what about the person that did or said the sin against you? We all wish that person would be convicted of their sin, repent first to God and then humbly ask forgiveness. Sometimes that happens and sometimes it does not.

But if that person, does repent to God and comes and humbly asks your forgiveness: you of course accept their apology, (you are already at peace from your initial forgiveness toward them), BUT by them by taking that action; they free themselves of the ‘hardness of heart’.

 I call this, RELEASING FORGIVENESS. The offending party now has a release from the spiritual ‘hardness of heart’ and consequences of their sin.  

Note: some may ask why I should be concerned with the offending party’s spiritual condition (after all they caused me a lot of heartache and pain) Here’s one answer:

“That is, that God was in Christ reconciling the world to Himself, not imputing their trespasses to them, and has committed to us the word of reconciliation.” 

2 Corinthians 5:18

Be a reconciler! Forgive quickly from the heart- and enjoy true peace & freedom.