CHRISTIAN CONFLICT RESOLUTION

Gary W Pfeiffer                        (original thoughts and source material from Peacemaker by Ken Sender)

BACKGROUND: HOW IMPORTANIT IS PEACE OR UNITY- in a marriage, in a family, in the local church, in the workplace…...?

1.     Jesus is of course the ‘Prince of Peace’, and He is our role model or template for godly living.

2.     “Endeavoring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.”  Eph. 4:3

3.     “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men. Rom. 12:18

4.     Jesus’ prayer of peace & unity among all Christians…. John 17:20-23

There are three dimensions of peace:

1.     Peace with God

2.     Peace with one another

3.     Peace within yourself

Definition of Conflict: a difference in opinion or purpose that frustrated someone’s goals or desires.

Conflict is an opportunity to solve problems in a way that honors God and offers benefits to those involved.

There are normally two responses to conflict:           FIGHT OR FLIGHT

FLIGHT: (escape) generally the focus is on ‘me’. Looking for what is easy, convenient or non-threatening for me.

Escape responses are usually intent on ‘peacemaking’ or making things look good- even when they are not.

FIGHT: (attack) the focus is on the other party, blaming or expecting them to give in and solve the problem.

Attack responses are prone to ‘peace breaking’ . They are more willing to sacrifice peace & unity to get to what they want.

FOUR PRIMARY CAUSES OF CONFLICT:

1.     Misunderstandings resulting from poor communication

2.     Differences in values, goals, priorities, expectations, opinions….

3.     Competition over limited resources

4.     Sinful attitudes or habits- that lead to sinful words or actions

Note: in all our relationships we should seek unity- and not demand uniformity.   Eph. 4:1-3

IDEAL: Conflict should be seen as an opportunity to demonstrate the love and power of God in our lives.

MEDIATION VS. ARBITRATION

Mediator (listen, question, suggest) Mediators should listen carefully and ask clarifying questions of each party. At the conclusion, they may give advice, but they have no authority to force anyone to accept a particular solution.   Matt. 18:16

Arbitrator (listen, question, conclude) An arbitrator is a decision maker. This person should be trusted and accepted upfront by both parties and given the responsibility (after hearing both sides of the issue) to make a binding decision resolving the conflict.    1 Cor. 6:4-6

Accountability: If a person who professes to be a Christian, refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands Church leaders to formally intervene to hold him accountable to Scriptural discipline. This action is a safeguard to local church unity.               Matt. 18:17

PERSONAL REFELCTION QUESTIONS FOR EACH PARTY IN THE DISPUTE:

1.     How can I please and honor God in this situation?

2.     How can I show Jesus’ work in me by taking responsibility for my contributions to this conflict?

3.     How can I demonstrate the forgiveness of God and encourage a reasonable solution to this conflict?

COUNSELOR QUESTIONS FOR EACH PARTY IN THE CONFLICT:

1.     Briefly summarize the dispute as you perceive it, and place events in chronological order.

2.     Which response to conflict have you been using so far?  Flight or Fight?

3.     What have you been relying on for guidance in this situation?

a.     Your feelings and personal opinions about what is right? OR

b.     Careful study and application of Biblical truth?

Initial personal Response to any conflict or offence the Lord allows to come your way:

            FORGIVE! (as an act of your will -forgive the offending party)

Forgiveness releases in me the ability to deal Scripturally with the situation. By doing that act: the tendency of reacting to the situation is greatly reduced, giving you time to think/pray about your godly response.

WHEN AN APOLOGY IS IN ORDER: (when this is part of your prayerful response to the conflict)

1.     Most Important: any apology must be sincere

2.     The apology should be as private or public- as the sin was. (did you offend one person, or many?)

3.     Do not use ‘if’ or ‘maybe’ in your apology. Admit specifically what wrong you did

4.     Accept the consequences of your actions (then adjust future behavior)

5.     Finally- look directly at the person(s) and humbly ask, “will you forgive me?”

 

FINAL SELF- EXAM:  After the conflict is over and resolved, if God were to evaluate this conflict- how would you like Him to complete this sentence:

            “I am pleased that you did not…….

            “I am pleased that you…….

“Be diligent to present yourself approved to God, a worker who does not need to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.” 2 Tim. 2:15